LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 

BJ^Oi-i 

Shelf _._>L.l 



UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



GOOD FORM 



HOSPITALITY 



IN 



TOWN AND COUNTRY 

WITH USAGES, FORMAL AND INFORMAL 



irOW TO MAKE IT A PLEASURE 
TO ENTERTAINER AND ENTERTAINED 



By the Author of ''"Weddings, Formal and Informal"; ** Cards, 
their Significance and Proper Uses"; ''Dinners"; "Man- 
ners, Good and Bad"; "Social Etiquette of New York," Etc, 




NEW YORK I 

FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY d Q ^f 1^ X 

MDCCCXCII / ^ 



B"^"^^"^' 
".v^ 



Copyright, 1892, by 
FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY. 



Barr-Dinwiddie Printing &. Book-Binding Co., 

GREENVILUE, JERSEY CITY, H. i. 



TABLE OF CONTENTS. 

PAGE. 

THE SOUL OF HOSPITALITY 5 

TOWN VISITS 15 

COUNTRY VISITS 26 

INVITATIONS SENT AND ANSWERED... 33 

RECEPTION OF GUESTS IN TOWN 38 

RECEPTION OF GUESTS IN THE COUN- 
TRY 43 

ENTERTAINMENTS FOR GUESTS IN 

TOWN 48 

ENTERTAINMENTS FOR GUESTS IN THE 

COUNTRY 52 

LEAVE-TAKING AND DEPARTURES IN 

TOWN 61 

LEAVE-TAKING AND DEPARTURES IN 

THE COUNTRY 65 

MUTUAL OBLIGATIONS OF GUESTS AND 

SERVANTS 69 

LETTERS OF THANKS TO ENTERTAIN- 
ERS 73 

RECOGNITIONS OF HOSPITALITIES 74 



GOOD FORM 

HOSPITALITY 



IN 



TOWN AND COUNTRY 



THE SOUL OF HOSPITALITY. 

A PREMEDITATED hospitality in this country is an 
expression of fine civilization. At least it is meant to 
be. 

Animals, in a natural state, share nothing eatable 
with their companions, until they are themselves sur- 
feited. Educated human beings have learned, how- 
ever, by experience, that prosperity is not complete 
until it is shared by others. It is only by dividing 
whatever material benefits we have that the soul of 
hospitality finds agreeable modes of expression. 



6 GOOD FORM. 

As a rule, an unconsidered, ceremonious hospitality 
is a doubtful virtue. By unconsidered is meant a 
hospitality for which the comforts and diversions of 
guests, also its consequences upon the entertainer's 
family, are not duly considered. 

True hospitality, as in other bestowals intended to 
be generous, has its highest impulse in a desire to 
confer pleasure, rather than in a wish to secure grati- 
tude. It is not self-conscious. 

Interested motives for extending hospitalities are 
pretty sure to be apparent. The entertainer may be 
convinced that his unrighteous secret is profoundly his 
own, but he deludes himself after the manner of those 
who wear wigs and use rouge. 

Captious persons who are not, or perhaps cannot, 
be hospitable in large ways, assuage their pangs of 
envy by protesting against house-parties or large cere- 
monious dinners, saying that such entertainments are 
imported forms of sociability — as if good customs 
adopted from other people were a discredit to us. 

Generous hospitalities are, by necessity, of recent 
date in America, because only lately has the growth of 
fortunes permitted large expenditures upon social 
pleasures. In England, France, and elsewhere, house- 
parties date back to feudal times, but in our country, 
except among patroons and Southern planters, they 
were rare — indeed, almost impossible half a century 
ago. 

Even single guests, until within a few years, were 



THE SOUL OF HOSPITALITY. 7 

more likely to fix their own dates for visiting, and suit 
their own convenience in the length of their stay than 
they were to consult the pleasure of their entertainers. 
Hospitalities, under such circumstances, were not 
always an unmixed gratification either to guest or 
host, the latter's interest, as a rule, being an uncon- 
sidered matter. Hospitality was then a sacred duty, 
and sometimes a severe strain upon tolerance. 

The host had one advantage in those times, if it be 
kind to call it an advantage, in that he was exempt 
from the duty of amusing his guest. Having assumed 
no social responsibility he was spared the fatigue 
of being diverting, except as friendliness suggested. 
Shelter and food were duly provided, and a welcome 
in manner, if not in words, was a solemn obligation, 
which no self-respecting person evaded, or thought of 
evading. 

To amuse a guest is a recent custom. There may 
have been, and doubtless was, as fine a spirit in 
promptly and cheerfully giving a visitor what he 
wanted, just when he wanted it, as in informally inviting 
persons to be your guests when it is wholly at your 
convenience. 

Our older style of bestowing hospitality was a 
dignified, though informal, mode of breaking bread 
with the needy. Its more recent usage is a bestowal 
of hospitality in expectation of an early equivalent in 
kind or contrast. It was not that the self-invited 
guest of former times was ordinarily needy in the 



8 GOOD FORM. 

baldest sense of that word, but he really lacked sonie- 
thing which might be only a variation in the monotony 

of his life, and he sought what he though: he needed 
under the roof of a friend or kinsman, and rook it 
without previotis lea^-e having been given. Indeed, it 
was an especially formal courtesy among our not very 
remoie ancestors if notice of in:en:ion was given in 
advance of a guest's arrival. 

Xo househoider declined such visits, except through 
dire necessi:y. custom having made iheir acceptance 
obligarory, and a realization — nor then formulated in 
speech — of a human brotherhood. There vras a senri- 
men.t in such exchanges of courtesies that is somerimies 
sadly missed from many of the most lavish entertain- 
ments of to-day. 

Many American fanvilies thit have becon^e posess- 
ors of large fortunes, from inherited social qualities, 
indolence, or perhaps because they do not appreciate 
their larenr duty to share their abundance with their 
fellows by entertaining them hospitably, live in a world 
in which they are not even units, because they cannot, 



tion. They h^ive not yet stirred to give themselves the 
delight of being hospitable according to the best cus- 
toms of their generation. These social drones fail to 
get honey out of life because they do not know hovr 
to gather it, and make no enort to hnd it in generous 
human associations. 

A perfect hostess is the most channin^ of vromen to 



THE SOUL OF HOSPITALITY, 9 

her friends, and the most loving and lovable one 
in her own family. She is conscientious in the ex- 
penditure of her resources, also of her leisure, which 
is graciously and equitably divided between her guests 
and her household. She knows that ostentation is an 
evidence of inferior breeding, and that a frivolous 
waste of time upon mere acquaintances is a wanton 
sin, since those nearest and dearest to her have a right 
to due proportions of it ; also, that the finest of mental 
and moral cultivation is expressed by a just, and yet 
gracious apportionment of all the good things with 
which she is endowed. 

Inequalities of fortune, when a moderate good for- 
tune is unmistakable, are foolish reasons for missing 
the pleasures of being hospitable. A host that spends 
very much money too often feels less obligation to be 
original in the diversions he provides. Monotony in 
hospitality becomes very tiresome. To hesitate when 
there is an opportunity to give pleasure, because of 
necessity it must cost less money than Croesus lately 
spent upon his guests, is petty. It is witness to a 
narrow spirit, since nobility of character and the 
graces of accomplishments, lift a simple mode of being 
hospitable up to the loftiest social levels — a height 
that, with any amount of money, without such personal 
allurements, the most ambitious of less well-bred men 
and women cannot attain. 

The most delightful of hosts are those who find out 
the best qualities and attainments possessed by their 



lO GOOD FORM. 

guests, and allure these graces out for mutual pleasure 
at a social gathering, either in town or country. Plain 
persons may be most gifted. If they are not person- 
ally charming, they usually cultivate and polish such 
talents as they have, but they are likely to be shy. 
Beauty is aware of the pleasure it provides simply by 
being, but the plain ones are adroitly called out by a 
clever host, and allured into expressing their best 
thoughts, or showing their special accomplishments. 
Perhaps they are made to pose unconsciously, that 
their few good points may be duly noted and properly 
recognized and valued. It is, as was said, the perfect 
hostess who acquaints herself with the special charac- 
teristics of all those whom she includes in her house- 
party, and she does not allow any of their special 
traits or qualities, that should be a distinguishing and 
unmistakable gratification to fellow guests, to be lost 
in the general brilliancy of her gathering. 

One guest receives as much personal attention from 
hosts as another, unless age, uncommon acquirements, 
or a proper consideration for a stranger in the party, 
distinguishes her or him and entitles them to more 
than ordinary courtesies. 

Sometimes a hostess discovers an unsuspected win- 
someness or gift, in a plain, bashful woman or man, and, 
being its discoverer, sometimes is its amiable inventor 
— sweet angel that she is. She adroitly displays or ex- 
plains what she has found to her other guests, and they 
too recognize an especial attraction, hitherto unknown. 



THE SOUL OF HOSPITALITY. 1 1 

If credulous, and not wholly blind to good parts that 
may have existed in secret in the least promising mem- 
ber of a happy house-party, they are able to make 
bright and handsome a dull countenance. " Believing 
is seeing," when a charming hostess points out the ob- 
scure fascinations of one of her guests to another. 

A successful entertainer assorts her guests adroitly, 
so that there are no wounded vanities ; and especially 
no self-respect is hurt. By tact she discovers who will 
be most sympathetic to each other, and which of them 
has that unnamable gift that compels others to appear 
all the better for being touched by a word, or called 
out by a question from them ; and she carefully places 
such at her table and elsewhere accordingly. 

A host or hostess is entitled to exemption from ex- 
planations or apologies to one guest for the presence 
of another, and she also has an indisputable right to 
resent the least lack oE deference to any one of her 
party by one of her other guests. 

There is no longer in the best American society that 
person who was once *^ placed before the rest." 

However different the relations in life of two persons 
who have accepted invitations to be guests at one time, 
while they are in such mutual relations they are social 
equals. There may be other than social differences to 
be recognized, but these are duties of the host, which 
will be mentioned hereafter. 

Wit that is neither biting nor too personal ; attain- 
ments that are really worthy of regard and are the pos- 



12 GOOD FORM. 

session of those who are neither assuming nor presum- 
ing ; friendliness that is not intrusive ; modesty that is 
not morbid nor silly ; reclusiveness that is not exclu- 
siveness and a kindliness that prefers another to itself, 
characterize the members of a perfect house-party of 
two or more guests. 

The gifts or accomplishments of all guests are at the 
call of the entertainers, who have made themselves 
acquainted with the probable limits and availability 
of their entertaining traits. 

Of course, in this picture of a social gathering, the 
too frequent " odd mate '^ in illy matched pairs must 
always be taken into account, and tactfully drawn into 
safe currents of conversation or diversion, which occa- 
sional necessity reminds one of George Meredith, when 
he whites, " The flame of the soul always rises upward. 
We must allow for atmiOspheric disturbances.'^ 

With unpliable, inharmonious members of a house- 
party — guests that could not be omitted — social atmos- 
pheric disturbances cannot ahvays be avoided. The 
harmony of a host's best intentions are sometimes 
disturbed by elements that cannot be controlled, and 
it is then a real consolation to remember that the 
flame of the soul does rise upward, and that it is wis- 
est and kindliest whenever possible to ignore the ele- 
ment that wrought discord. 

Silence is said to be a sociah science Vv^hen its 
application is kindly. With silence, censoriousness 
and mischievous gossip have no opportunity for thriv- 



THE SOUL OF HOSPITALITY, 1 3 

ing. Speech that is apt in time and tenor is akin to 
science. It heals wounded self-love, mends broken 
friendships, awakes the melody of jangled social notes. 
Nowhere is a gift and impulse of peacemaking more 
beautiful, nor anywhere does it win a higher appre- 
ciation, than at house-parties^ made up of dissimilar 
temperaments and varying ambitions. This spirit of 
kindliness transforms a vexing tether that binds a 
group of persons together for a definite number of days? 
into a silken cord, the fastening of which is painful 
only when it is parted. 

As a rule those who are unhappy at house-parties 
are such as measure and value each event and plan by 
its direct bearing upon themselves. If a guest expects 
to be wholly happy, his thoughts and motives must be 
to give, instead of striving to get, pleasure. 

Hospitality is a mutual affair, if it be a success — an 
unmixed gratification. True happiness is unselfish- 
ness. Hospitality in thought and deed is its other 
name. The soul of the guest should be as large, fine 
and beautiful as that of the host, to make social per- 
fection ; and they are equal in the fineness of their 
intent when the broadest cultivation is expressed by 
the finest and most agreeable of manners. 

Ideal friendships are born, nourished and established 
by the breaking of bread, and in those genial moods 
that follow bodily content, strive as one may to rise 
above this material fact. No one is able to escape it. 
If a person feels an unreasonable or an unjustifiable 



14 GOOD FORM. 

enmity toward another, he can find no easier recon- 
ciliation with him without the use of words, than by 
eating salt with him in his own house. Differences 
melt away in an atmosphere of hospitality. 



TOWN VISITS. 

There was a time, and not long ago, in America, 
when city houses were esteemed the most alluring 
places for prolonged hospitalities. With English ex- 
amples, however, and larger capabilities for entertain- 
ing, a country house-party is almost equally attractive 
in winter and summer. 

There are few private dwellings capacious enough in 
town, or perhaps few families that are small enough to 
make a large number of guests possible. Two visitors 
at one time is the most frequent number, although 
four, five or six are now and then gathered under one 
city roof. Four is an ideal group — that is, if wisely 
selected. It provides sufficiently diverse personalities, 
ages, gifts and attainments^ to make time pass delight- 
fully. 

With a fortune, and an inclination to be generous 
in entertaining, without the experience of having been 
a guest at a house-party that was conducted in the 
most acceptable manner, or even having that theoreti- 

15 



1 6 GOOD FORM, 

cal knowledge that may be acquired from authentic 
sources, a hostess who fills her house for several days 
with guests, hazards her own peace of mind, and also 
that of her friends. 

Nothing short of genius, or an amazingly good- 
fortune in her choice of comrades, spares the well- 
intentioned, ignorant hostess from making a pathetic 
failure of what ought to be a charming social event. 

It is an exceptionally fine instinct that alone is ca- 
pable of bringing persons, who were strangers to each 
other, into an atmosphere of serene cordiality and 
mutual sympathy for a number of consecutive days. 

If my lady is an enthusiastic entertainer, and she 
knows little or nothing of the customary modes of 
amusing idle folk, in her effort to make her guests 
enjoy every hour of their stay with her, she is likely to 
be so energetic as to weary them by arranging 
too many diversions, not suspecting that such generos- 
ity is oppressive to such as may be familiar with sea- 
sonable recreations. 

A hostess who is discreet will make herself aware of 
the characteristics of those whom she invites at 
the same time. 

Each is supposed to have, in varying proportions, 
the natural graces and virtues of unselfishness, simplic- 
ity, modesty, sympathy, and above all, good-breeding. 
The latter is a necessity, and by this is not meant just 
a varnish or veneer of good manners that is not likely 
to wear off during a dinner or a reception, but which 



TOWN VISITS, 17 

seldom endures the prolonged strain of a house- 
party. 

Tact is an essential at every social gathering. It 
may be a talent, or it may be an acquirement, but it is 
an important gift for both host and guest. It is a high 
art, that need not be artificial ; sometimes it amounts 
to genius, so delicate and influential is it. Whosoever 
has it, is beau or belle. Thus endowed, a woman need 
not have beauty, youth, a trained intellect, or a for- 
tune. 

Except in the case of near kinsfolk, when there are 
to be but two guests, they should be of the same sex, 
or there should be a wide diversity in their ages, the 
reason of which is apparent. 

If a town house-party numbers more than two, it 
has not the significance of a pair, as it has where one 
is a young man, and one a young woman. Larger 
parties, of course, allow a freer choice, and sex need 
not be so carefully considered when making it up. Of 
course, if the host has grown sons or daughters at 
home, a party of tw^o, one of each sex, is not in ques- 
tionable taste, because thus the possible unpleasant- 
ness, or perhaps social indiscretion of what is called 
" Pairing guests by intention,'' is evaded. 

A scheme for amusing a house-party is usually 
arranged in advance, certain of the plans of necessity 
being unalterably fixed. Others are, or may be, only 
suggested with alternatives. Sometimes a choice is 
gii^en to visitors^ but this is not always possible, since 



1 8 GOOD FORM, 

most pleasant affairs require many days in which to 
perfect them. 

When there are several guests, the host selects 
entertainments in which all may take part ; therefore, 
plans for them are ordinarily talked over not later than 
the next day after arrival in town. At country house- 
parties this custom is needless, as will be explained 
further on. Suggestions for variations cannot be too 
delicately made, and yet they may prove most helpful 
to an entertainer, provided her strongest motive for 
being hospitable is to give, rather than to receive, 
pleasure. 

It would be the worst possible taste to dissent, or 
even to more than hint at alterations in a hostess's 
intentions, or expectations, since guests have placed 
themselves at her bidding by accepting her invitation. 
An announcement of her plans is not obligatory^ 
many entertainers preferring, when they are definitely 
acquainted with the tastes of their visitors, to make 
each diversion a surprise. The latter plan cannot be 
too deftly carried out, and sometimes only women 
guests are consulted regarding divisions of time 
between one pleasure and another. What they like 
to do, or see that is not already arranged for, decides 
plans, and it is a very ungallant man who dissents. 

When there is but one guest, it is as kind to men- 
tion her own tastes and limitations to her hostess as 
it is for the latter to cordially comply with her inclina- 
tions. Strangers to a town cannot always know who 



TOWN VISITS, 19 

or what is most interesting or most gratifying to their 
hosts, therefore it is bad form to insist upon anything. 
When guests have other friends or acquaintances resid- 
ing in the same place, whom their entertainers do not 
know, or perhaps have not chosen to know, only a 
refined tact and a compliance with established usage 
spares each from giving offence. 

A hostess may not disapprove of her guest's friend, 
but she may already have so extended an acquaintance 
that she is unv/illing to enlarge her list, or there may 
be insurmountable social distinctions between them, 
that the guest does not, or perhaps cannot, perceive 
from her point of view, although the resident does all 
too clearly. Of course, the feelings and sympathies of 
each must be respected. To do this properly, the 
host suggests that her guest's card be sent with the 
date of a disengaged hour when the latter will be glad 
to receive her friends. This plan prevents interference 
with a hostess's arrangements ; and she may or may 
not be present at the time such visits are to be made 
upon her guests. Of course, it is more kindly to see 
strange visitors, and such interviews create no further 
acquaintance beyond a casual recognition. 

When there are no social affiliations between a 
guest's two sets of acquaintance in the same town, she 
cannot accept courtesies, or hospitalities from but one 
circle at a time, except at the suggestion of her host. 
Inequalities in position or attainments are being 
yearly more rigidly fixed in our youthful country that 



20 GOOD FORM, 

more and more drifts astray from the spirit of a con- 
stitution that was established on a presumed human 
equality. Socially ambitious persons who have not 
reached a desired position, and crave entrance into a 
circle hitherto closed to them, either intentionally, or 
inadvertently, sometimes try to make use of their 
guest's, or their host's, acquaintance to advance their 
purpose. 

This is so adroitly managed that the instrument for 
opening a way to introductions fails to suspect a pur- 
pose ; indeed is usually unconscious of ulterior motives 
in apparently well-bred persons. Hence it is that 
Good Form has been made to stand between what is 
called "A pusher" and the "pushed." The latter do 
not care to include the former in their visiting-lists, for 
one reason or another, the customary one being that 
already they have more acquaintances than they can 
properly maintain. It is the pushing individual that 
vulgarizes society in America, as well as elsew^here. 

It would be diverting, if it were not pathetic, to 
watch sordid-minded, clever men and women, while 
making crafty uses of guileless hosts or guests, who 
unconsciously are opening modes by which a coveted 
society may be penetrated and captured. As a rule, 
individuals with such offensive and dangerous talents, 
ignore, or perhaps in the joy of a gratified ambition 
they forget the hand that secured them admission to 
w^hat they wanted. Those who know the world most 
thoroughly are not always the most delicate-minded 



TOWN VISITS, 21 

and most kindly of men and women ; therefore it is 
that etiquette becomes a friendly protector that 
would, if it were strictly followed, save such as are 
in coveted circles from being wounded or imposed 
upon. Another name for etiquette is considerate- 
ness. 

At large house-parties, breakfast is likely to be 
desultory ; this plan meeting the ordinary host's con- 
venience quite as well, or better than a prompt pres- 
ence of everybody at once. 

A hostess need not be present at breakfast if her 
children or other duties require her elsewhere — of 
course provided she has no young girl guests who are 
without chaperones, and there are men guests. If the 
hostess in the latter case cannot be present she ar- 
ranges to send breakfast to the rooms of girl visitors. 

This is of English usage, and is rigorously fol- 
lowed abroad. It has also become firmly rooted in 
good society here. 

Even a young, unmarried daughter of the house, in 
the absence of her mother, does not descend to break- 
fast when there are men visitors, and her father is not 
present. When young girls are asked to be guests 
unaccompanied by an older woman, the hostess thereby 
assumes the office and responsibility of chaperone, 
and she more and more practises it, even if she does 
not feel its necessity. Of course, few American 
women do, but Good Form is Good Form, and it has 
excellent reasons for its establishment, though they 



22 GOOD FORM, 

may not be clearly apparent to such as have limited or 
insular social experiences. 

When there is but one guest, or perhaps two or 
three, any lack of conformity to the customs of the 
family is unpardonable; especially is lateness to meals 
a proof of inconsiderateness, and a fine spirit is never 
thoughtless or indifferent to the convenience of others. 
Very much given to a selfish yielding to their own 
comfort, which is the least admirable variety of selfish- 
ness, are those who keep other persons waiting for 
them, either through a negligence or willingness to 
annoy others. To be late to breakfast, if the hostess 
has not distinctly explained that her guests are ex- 
pected to have this in their rooms, or at table at their 
own time, is in especial bad form. This liberty is 
hardly possible without much exceptional care, unless 
there is a full corps of trained servants. Therefore 
considerate guests are likely to make as little disar- 
rangement in the ordinary life of a hospitable family 
as is possible. 

If what is called family worship is a custom, and the 
hour for its performance is mentioned to guests, their 
presence is obligatory. An absence from such ser- 
vice would be a serious discourtesy. It is proper to 
add that domestic devotions are less and less often 
practised in the presence of those not permanent 
members of the household. If the hour and place for 
them is not announced to visitors abiding in the house, 
or at least mentioned to them, their absence is expected. 



TOWN VISITS. 23 

To propose attending prayers without at least an im- 
plied permission would be an intrusion. A request for 
invitation to such sacred services should never be 
made. It would be an indelicacy, since each person^s 
religion, and its mode of expression, is personal, and 
it ought to be allowed strict privacy, if preferred. 

According to the ages and aptitudes of guests at a 
house-party are their diversions planned. Riding and 
driving, visiting museums and places of amusement, 
are the easiest of entertainments to provide, if the host 
is a person of fortune, w^hich, of course, a house-party 
presupposes. Whatever is enjoyed by his guests is 
supplied by him. He purchases admission to what- 
ever is to be seen or enjoyed, and he also provides 
horses for his guests, unless, as not infrequently hap- 
pens, a woman has a favorite saddle-horse which she 
has been asked to send to her host's stable. Her 
groom accompanies the same, and may, if desired, 
bring his own animal. 

This style of entertaining is, and must always be, 
for the few. It is mentioned here only because that 
few is growing in numbers and in luxury, and it is as 
common already in America as it is in England. Grow- 
ing wealth is eagerly inquiring how inherited riches 
are and have been expending their fortunes, that they 
may do likewise, or perhaps better. 

Persons with refined tastes, a moderate income and 
hospitable inclinations, who desire to give pleasure to 
one or two guests in a city home, can do it easily. 



24 GOOD FORM. 

Their form of welcome is the same as that of very rich 
hosts, because certain matters, including friendship 
and its expressions, are always similar, but the luxury 
or lavi-shness of entertaining may be wanting. 

Appreciative guests, however, fail to miss it, and 
they never fail to enter into the spirit and beauty of 
another's family life. 

That elaborateness and munificence which charac- 
terizes house-parties of the very rich and very gener- 
ous, is sometimes a compensation for similar pleasures 
received, with the expectation of returning them. 
Happily, this spirit is absent from simpler forms of 
entertaining. In the latter there is a more rational 
method of giving and getting enjoyment, because there 
are no especial changes made in the conduct of ordi- 
nary domestic life, and, of course, guests get nearer to 
the hearts of their entertainers. Friendships can take 
deeper root than in an artificial warmth. 

If guests are fond of society, their coming has been 
announced by their host to such acquaintances and 
friends as will care to call, and perhaps also to invite 
them to visit, or at least, to breakfast in their homes. 
This is neighborly hospitality that has its habitual and 
mutual exchanges of courtesies to strangers that are 
staying in town. 

It is a pleasant duty, indeed it is a religion with 
many of our most cultivated households, to offer some 
pleasant welcome to the guests of another. Not that 
they do this because it is a returnable politeness, but 



TOWN VISITS, 25 

because they are sure it will be duly valued, and 
besides thus providing social gratifications for future 
guests of their own, they usually receive an immediate 
return in the different " points of view " that persons 
of other localities involuntarily give and receive when 
cultivated and broad-minded. 

The most valuable and practical part of the educa- 
tion of some families has been acquired by entertain- 
ing wisely as to guests, and simply as to methods. 
That entertainer is a curious anomaly if he is both 
hospitable and borne. Of whatever is worth seeing or 
hearing, only the best and the choicest are offered to 
guests, when the spirit of the entertainer is fine. If 
the visit is to be brief, cards or seats for public places 
are secured in advance. 

If it can be arranged, a little dinner or reception, or 
perhaps a luncheon, is given the day after the arrival 
of guests, care being taken to invite such friends as 
are most likely to be sympathetic with the guests' 
attainments or interests. They are impressively intro- 
duced, and allowed a few minutes' uninterrupted con- 
versation. A hostess with discretion and tact is sure 
to find out a way to secure an opportunity for this 
preliminary to a pleasant acquaintance. 

This chapter contains the heart of town hospitalities, 
but their formalities in detail are furnished under their 
own titles. 



COUNTRY VISITS. 

The ideal place for entertaining large or small 
house-parties, or even single guests, is the country. 
Heaven and earth combine to rest the weary and to 
make idlers happy. Not nearly as much planning, orig- 
inating, and providing amusements for guests are 
really required there, and yet many charming things 
may be done. 

This is equally true of the country in summer and 
winter. One season has its shady nooks and lanes, 
its boating and flowers, and perhaps also its fishing 
and shooting ; and the cold season has skating, tobog- 
ganing, sleighing and hunting. Both have riding and 
driving. The summer has warm moonlight nights, 
open verandas and song ; and winter evenings have the 
firelight, music and dancing for the young, and story- 
telling, cards, and fine conversation for elderly hosts 
and guests, who furnish dignity and the graces of per- 
fected society to house parties the year round. 

More women than men are usually invited for ex- 

26 



COUNTRY VISITS, 2^ 

tended visits in town, and doubtless this is due to the 
habits of men, who Hke clubs, and that freedom from 
an unfamiliar family routine which cannot be secured 
while house guests. 

There are, however, always men enough within 
reach for dinners and dances when a house-party is 
made up of attractive persons. 

In the country house-parties are likely to include 
more men than women, although this inequality is 
seldom intentional. 

Liberty and open air pleasures delight most men, 
also most women, the latter becoming more enthu- 
siastic as their skill in riding, boating and tennis 
increases, and their strength is proportionately im- 
proved. 

The hostess, when she writes her invitations, men- 
tions the names, and briefly, the tastes and acquire- 
ments of the guests she hopes to receive, in order that 
such as are not equally or similarly skilled, or perhaps 
are not in sympathy with what is mentioned as likely 
to be the usual amusements of the proposed house- 
party, may, if they choose, decline graciously, in order 
to allow others who are capable of contributing to the 
general enjoyment to be asked in their stead. 

Not that each guest, man or woman, is expected to 
do everything, from music and dancing to athletics 
and rowing, but something each should be able to do, 
even if it be but story-telling, out-of-door and in-door 
photographing, fortune-telling by palms, playing danc- 



28 GOOD FORM. 

ing-music, or showing skill at cards. No one should 
be without a gift to contribute to the pleasure of a 
party ; and every one is able to possess themselves 
wdth one or two of these agreeable accomplishments, 
unless he or she is willing to receive gratifications for 
which they make no return. 

The host or hostess, each in their own province, in- 
forms guests soon after their arrival what there is to be 
done and seen, also what dinners and luncheons, etc., 
etc., are arranged. They mention when the mails 
arrive and depart, and where outgoing and incoming 
letters are placed ; also the hours between which break- 
fast and luncheon may be eaten, except when these 
are to be formal, and to include others, invited from 
the neighborhood, of which ceremonial meals due an- 
nouncements are made. 

Dinner is always at a fixed hour, and guests are 
very much in need of tutoring in good manners if they 
are not assembled in the drawing-room a few minutes 
previous to its announcement. 

Laggards at this important moment, or those who 
habitually keep others waiting, have need of valuable 
traits and fascinating characteristics to receive amiable 
tolerance for themselves. 

Such bad-mannered persons need not go far to dis- 
cover a justifiable reason for their being seldom in- 
vited to either large or small house-parties. Not that 
the most popular of hosts, or the most agreeable of 
guests, are martinets, but the loiterers are irritating, 



COUNTRY VISITS. 29 

and spoil tempers, also dinners. They are never 
"thoroughbreds," because these fine-fibred individuals 
consider the comfort and the desires of everybody. 
Of course, pardonable delays fall to the lot of every 
one sometimes. It is only of the delinquents who are 
so often behind time that it is expected of them, that 
this severe criticism is made. 

Personal talk about the temporarily absent is the 
most dangerous of ill-breeding at a house-party, 
gathered as its members often are from widely differing 
households, and sometimes from circles that touch eacfc 
other only here and there. A possibility of falling^'^' 
into such unfortunate gossip is much more likely in 
town than in country. In the presence of nature such 
faults and foibles are apt to be forgotten, or left in the 
city atmosphere. 

A host and hostess that are delicate minded, or per- 
haps only discreet, do not allow criticisms that hurt, 
or repetitions of scandals in their presence. A kindly 
word, or a charitable construction from them has 
spared many a listener from keenly wounded sensibili- 
ties at the mention of the misdeed, or suspected mis- 
deed of kinsman or friend whose connection or asso- 
ciation was unknown to intolerant or heedless chat- 
terers. 

Hosts are masters of the social situation, and with 
fine tempers and good hearts, they are able to make 
their qualities a happy contagion. If guests fall below 
their best standards of conduct^ or lose a grip on their 



30 GOOD FORM, 

tempers, entertainers take the responsibility of setting 
them right, and they do it, with a generous and prompt 
firmness that those who give house-parties should not 
be without. 

A host can always cool off a hot discussion, if he is 
himself cool, by begging the argument to be sus- 
pended — say until another season, or by some pleas- 
ant suggestion bring intolerant persons to a conscious- 
ness of their relations to hosts and guests, also to 
that spirit of hospitality which is a mutual obligation 
^^^ter each has assumed it by giving and taking bread 
and salt. 

Unfortunately, too many persons forget that it is as 
hospitable to entertain another's opinions and thoughts 
for a little while, even if they cannot be adopted, as it 
is to give shelter and meat to each other. With this 
ideal of hospitality, hosts would entertain with more 
pleasure, and feel less apprehension of things going 
wrong ; they would also experience less difficulty in 
placing dissenting persons in safe grooves of conver- 
sation, where, if they do not agree, they cannot overtly 
disagree and be offensive. 

It is bad form to crowd too many diversions into 
one visit, and thus compel guests to hasten overmuch 
from one interest or amusement to another. 

The most experienced and successful or entertainers 
are deliberate. They do not arrange for, much less 
insist upon having a ceremonious dinner-party after a 
picnic, nor a ball after an all day excursion. They 



COUNTRY VISITS, 3 1 

have learned the charm of repose and the value of 
anticipation, both of which cannot be underestimated. 

The young woman and young man who are most 
agreeable as visitors, are those who are ready to be 
useful, and who perceive little unsolicited ways for 
being agreeable. Assistance must be offered, as if it 
were a conferred favor to be helpful to a host, or to 
fellow-guests. After cordially proposing to be of ser- 
vice to their hosts, it would be an intrusion to press 
assistance upon them. Sincerity can always make 
itself understood. After the offer of assistance has 
been made, a prompt appearance at a time when there 
is a probability of being useful, is as far as a guest 
may prudently go. 

There is always the shy, the physically delicate, or 
the one by temperament dull, and perhaps pessimistic, 
that the amiable visitor may draw out, cheer or 
encourage, and thus spare the hostess from suspecting 
them of being unhappy. With the pessimist, nothing 
depresses him so much as agreeing with him. As a 
rule he is not invited to house-parties, except he is 
also a humorist, and makes his despair picturesque, 
grotesque and diverting. 

It may be his metier to pose as a hopeless being. 
If he does it artistically, he is not objectionable in a 
large party. In a small one he would be a " fee-faw- 
fum," and make everybody wretched. 

If anybody has a grievance or a misery of any sort, 
and takes it into society, especially if society consists 



32 GOOD FORM. 

of a group of guests in a country house, he must con- 
ceal it — even permit no one to suspect that he has it. 
If it is a sorrow that is recognizable by his associates, 
it is in the worst of bad form to be one of a house- 
party, and risk depressing those who have an unques- 
tionable right to uninterrupted gladness. To wipe 
one's eyes upon fellow-guests is unpardonable, and the 
worst of taste, leaving out the fact that it is a cruelty. 

A smiling face is a reactive, and to practice cheerful- 
ness while enduring a sorrow, makes sufferers more 
cheerful in reality. 

This is one of Nature's own remedies ; and Nature 
never makes mistakes in her method of healing. 



INVITATIONS SENT AND ANSWERED. 

In America, women are the leaders in hospitality, 
because we have very few men with sufficient leisure. 
Therefore it is women who write all the invitations for 
visits and for house-parties that include husbands and 
wives, fathers and daughters, brothers and sisters, or 
women alone. Single men are invited, as a rule, by the 
man of the house, and very properly. 

Of course, prolonged visits are usually considered 
some time in advance ; although unanticipated ones, if 
made by but one or two, are frequent, even since more 
and more ceremonious laws are being enacted for vis- 
itor and visited. 

Impromptu house-parties are occasionally arranged, 
especially in the winter, when there has been an abun- 
dant fall of snow, or a sharp frost, and there is much 
fine ice, that suggests them ; but as such hasty group- 
ings of persons while the social season is at its merriest 
is seldom possible, there is no etiquette established for 
them^ except the strictest rules of chaperon age. This 

33 



34 GOOD FORM. 

is because dangers to health are forgotten by the young 
in inclement weather, and also the proprieties when 
frolicking is the motive for a house-parly. 

Good Form has adopted no exact usage for sending 
out invitations for ceremonious and fashionable house- 
parties, nor for house visiting generally, but regard for 
those whom an entertainer desires to receive, and who 
would like to accept, suggests as long an interval be- 
tween the date of a request, and that of the visit, as is 
convenient. Five or six weeks is the usual time al- 
lowed between the invitation and the coming of vis- 
itors. 

Sometimes invitations are given in the summer 
for winter visits, and sometimes they are planned a 
year in advance. The two forms last mentioned are, 
as a rule, verbal. 

Invitations for prolonged visits are never in the 
third person, and, of course, are never engraved. At 
least they are not thus formal in America. A letter, 
or at least a cordial note, is always written to hoped-for 
house visitors — provided this request is not given in 
person. The day, also the hour for arriving is men- 
tioned, also the length of the visit. 

Etiquette is strict regarding such formalities. Those 
who accept hospitalities are as much benefited by this 
as those who bestow them. The hostess is thus 
able to made definite plans for her guest's pleasure, and 
she can also invite other guests to succeed such as de- 
part early. 



IN VITA TIONS SENT AND ANSWERED. 3 5 

It is no longer in good form to accept any invitation 
that is general, and has no definite date. " Drop in at 
any time to dinner," or " Come and visit me," is an ex- 
pression of comity and kindly welcome, and only that. 
It may mean a vague anticipation of pleasure if a visit 
could, some time or other, be arranged. Intimate in- 
deed must be two friends who pass such complimentary 
expressions between each other, and really mean them 
with all that they imply. Of course, one may say, 
" Let me have a visit from you in the winter, or in the 
summer." 

If this request has any meaning, later on an invita- 
tion will be duly sent, including its anticipated date. 
** Come to me for a week," if that is a convenient and 
agreeable length for entertaining a friend, or friends. 
For example : — " I'll be glad to see you on the after- 
noon train of the loth of January." Then follows a 
list of the guests that are likely to be comrades, if 
any — also what is to be seen or done. The kindness 
of this explanation is apparent to women, who are thus 
made acquainted with the toilettes they will require. A 
man is always aware of his needs — a morning visiting 
suit, and an evening attire. His travelling clothes are 
his usual breakfast raiment, although he may appear 
in a frock coat, if he chooses. 

Two days is the very longest time good manners 
allow between a reception of such invitations and an- 
swers. If replies are written at once, all the better, be- 
cause more cordial, and because the hostess has more 



36 GOOD FORM. 

time for adjusting her plans, also in case of declination, 
to substitute other friends in the list. 

Proper respect for a proposed hospitality would con- 
pel promptness in replying, even if convenience to the 
host did not demand it. If the hospitality includes 
several guests, it is called a ^* house-party," and all invi- 
tations are sent out at once, or as nearly at the same 
time as possible, and acceptances return near together. 
As each invitation includes the names of all the guests 
who are asked, and as acceptances and declinations are 
nearly at or about the same time^ those v/ho accept 
cannot know certainly vv^ho will decline, or who will be 
their fellow-guests, since others will be invited later, to 
make up a desired number. Of course, there are those 
whose replies are influenced by the names of others 
who are invited. Happily the entertainer is unable to 
give exact information at the date of her invitations, 
and it would be bad form to ask her later on, and in 
justice to her it is better that she is unable to write who 
are to be in her party. 

Ordinarily, house-parties in tov/n are invited for ten 
days. Sometimes replies mention that five days, or a 
week is as long as it is possible to have the pleasure of 
remaining with the proposed party. Should a guest 
accept for such a short period, the hostess may very 
properly, if she chooses, reply that, not being willing 
that her proposed coterie be broken up thus early, she 
will gladly invite such a guest at another time. She 
may, however, accept thus much time from her hoped- 



INVITATIONS SENT AND ANSWERED, 37 

for guest, and ask another person to fill the place in 
the party. 

There was a time when to be invited to conclude the 
visits of others, or to fill any vacated place, was not 
considered a compliment, but this sentiment has been 
reversed. Only dear and intimate friends are asked 
to take the chair that for some unforeseen occurrence 
is to be left unused at a dinner-party, and to be re- 
quested to take it is a marked compliment. Indeed, it 
is a favor that is not forgotten by a hostess. The same 
sentiment is expressed when an entertainer invites a 
friend to complete a broken house-party. 

With a note inviting guests to a prolonged visit is 
enclosed a time-table for the route to be taken by them, 
with the train or steamer upon which they are expected 
duly marked. If it is difficult, or impossible to arrive 
at the hour indicated, a request for change of train is 
promptly made, and this note is at once answered with 
such explanation in detail as will allow a guest as 
much convenience and comfort as the altered plan per- 
mits. 

Well-bred visitors will put themselves to the greatest 
inconvenience, when it is themselves or their hosts 
that are to suffer. Certainly they will take the train 
indicated, no matter how inconvenient it may be, if a 
change is to disarrange seriously a host's plans. 



RECEPTION OF GUESTS IN TOWN. 

If women are to arrive alone by train in a town with 
which they are unfamiliar, it is proper that a member 
of the family meet them, or at least to send a trusty 
servant. Under any circumstances, it is a cordiality 
that, v/ith many other pleasant details of hospitality, 
are being superseded by other forms that are more 
readily adapted to the changes of our social life. 

Of course, public carriages are alv/ays awaiting 
incoming trains, and a prompt arrival at a host's resi- 
dence is as much a certainty as any project well can be. 

The fidgety woman who is in terror of a hackman is 
out of fashion. The dignified woman who is intelli- 
gent about her own expectations, prefers to go quietly 
to the residence of her friends. She has come to dis- 
like greetings at crowded stations, where any excess of 
cordiality, or any lack of it, becomes matters of curi- 
osity, if not of comment, to an idle crowd. 

When men are visitors they are supposed to be able 
to take care of themselves always, but if strangers in 

38 



RECEPTION OF GUESTS IN TOWN 39 

a city, it is kinder to welcome them in person, and to 
accompany them to their destination. This attention, 
however, is not always possible when a party is to as- 
semble on the same day, and at, or near, the same hour. 

These explanations are made, not so much because 
the habit of meeting expected guests has been good 
form, as because it is falling into disuse, and likely to 
become obsolete in a short time. The conveniences 
for getting about a city have so largely increased 
v/ithin a brief time that meeting friends at stations is 
as unnecessary as it is to meet them on a train before 
their arrival at the terminus of their journey. It may 
be pleasant, but it is superfluous. Courtesy may be 
expressed better in other directions than by meeting 
incom.ing friends at the railways, or seeing them off, 
except by sending a servant, when guests are accom- 
panied by none of their own. 

Regarding the latter, Good Form is rigorous. If 
guests are not invited to bring a maid or a valet, they 
cannot come, except perhaps to stay long enough to 
unpack luggage and arrange it, and then perhaps re- 
turn when the visit is terminated to repack it. In such 
cases at large houses there is usually a groom of the 
chambers, and as many maids as the party requires. 
Of course, this is a lately-established custom, and it 
could not be otherwise, because entertaining in large 
or lavish ways is also a very recent possibility. 

Having been received by the hostess, and the host, 
if at leisure, it is considered a special courtesy if the 



40 GOOD FORM. 

hostess conducts a guest to her room after a brief 
interval for an interchange of friendly inquiries, during 
which a visitor's belongings are being deposited and 
unstrapped in her room. Married, or unmistakably 
older women at a house-party are always given the 
choicest rooms in America, where there are no in- 
herited laws of precedence. 

If the guest is a young lady, a daughter may take 
the hostess's place in showing her to the chamber 
assigned her. If arrivals are an hour or more previous 
to dinner or luncheon, a cup of tea or any other pre- 
ferred light refreshment is sent in to the guests at 
once. Men visitors may be taken to their rooms by 
servants. 

These small details may not appear to be very essen- 
tial, and may seem unworthy of record to those un- 
familiar with ceremonious entertaining ; but they are 
the fine finish of an elegant hospitality, and distinguish 
it from an unrefined entertainment. If those who are 
familiar with the perfection of entertaining pronounce 
these small directions unnecessary, they should con- 
sider those who have been less fortunate in their asso- 
ciations are more and more eager to acquire the polish 
of an older civilization, and it is agreeable to them 
to acquire it from written directions rather than by 
making an appeal to those who have long been in 
familiarity with it. 

Guests are early informed of the dinner-hour, and 
how many are expected to be at table ; and then they 



RECEPTION OF GUESTS IN TOWN. 4 1 

are left to repose until it is time to dress for luncheon 
or for dinner, when, if the guest has no maid or valet, 
assistance is proffered. 

Of course, a meeting of hosts and guests usually 
takes place in the drawing-room previous to the first 
luncheon, and before dinner always, because at the 
latter meal the etiquette of escorting to table and seat- 
ing guests is likely to differ from day to day, accord 
ing to the hostess's scheme for diverting her friends. 
Usually the initial entertainment is a dinner-party that 
includes persons from other houses whom she desires 
to acquaint with the presence at her house of agreeable 
visitors. Not infrequently a reception for them fol- 
lows a ceremonious dinner. 

Welcoming flowers are almost invariably placed in 
guests' rooms to await their coming. This custom is 
as common as it is charming. Good Form, also, and 
delicate appreciation of the relations between hostess 
and guests, requires that one or more of these blossoms 
be worn at dinner. These are beautiful perfumed greet- 
ings from entertainer to entertained, and their silent 
response at table is a fitting interchange of compli- 
ments. 

Anything and everything that refines and elevates 
social life, is, or should be, obligatory upon the visitor 
and the visited. 

Guests' rooms should be supplied with all needful 
materials for letter writing, including paper that is 
stamped with the host's postoffice address, also seal- 



42 GOOD FORM. 

ing-wax and tapers, and a calendar. It is a disputed 
question that etiquette refuses to be responsible for, 
whether or not postage-stamps should be included in 
the hospitable provision for correspondence, therefore 
each hostess is allowed to do as she chooses in this 
not very important matter. 

Guests are informed by a card laid with the station- 
ery when the letters are to be taken to the postoffice, 
and w^here to deposit them for the messengers ; also, 
when letters may be expected, and v^^here they will be 
placed when guests are not in the house to receive 
them. When there is to be an opera, a theatre, con- 
cert, or a drive very shortly after any meal, the same 
is mentioned in time for suitable dressing before de- 
scending. 

Promptness in appearance in the drawing-room when 
the hostess expects guests is an obligation. Visitors, 
during the time of their stay in a house are, in a sense, 
part of their host's family- therefore, all persons who 
are invited during this time are formally presented to 
them. This custom is our own, and not m the least 
English, where introductions are by no means habitual, 
and by such om/lssions pleasant conversations are pro- 
portionately infrequent. 

By receiving guests is not meant merely a welcome 
upon their arrival, but also presentations of others to 
them and of them to others. The quality of respect 
felt for guests is thus distinctly emphasized. 



RECEPTION OF GUESTS IN THE COUNTRY. 

In the country, visitors are always met at trains or 
steamer landings, their invitations having informed 
them at what hour they are expected. This is usually 
a necessity, and is always an agreeable expression of 
welcome. Its informal formality is one of the many 
differences between town and country hospitalities. 
Even when the time comes that nobody goes to a city 
train to greet incoming friends, the country will keep 
to this cordial custom. Sometimes it may be only a 
carriage that awaits visitors, because circumstances 
compel a less complete welcome — but do not persons 
of rank in older countries send their carriages and ser- 
vants to funerals to express their sympathy, and it 
may be, their sorrow ? Luggage of visitors is cared 
for by orders of the host, and it is placed in guests' 
rooms while they are loitering for social reasons in 
their host's receiving-room. 

As at town visits, a light refreshment is sent at 
once to a guest's chamber, if the hour is sufficiently 

43 



44 GOOD FORM, 

distant from the next meal, or it is late at night when 
he arrives. 

Flowers and everything pertaining to letter writing, 
also all needful information regarding mails, with a 
calendar, await guests. The hours between which 
breakfast and luncheon are served, are mentioned and 
the exact time for dinner, since the two earlier appoint- 
ments for eating are usually " movable," when the hos- 
pitality is a house-party ; but they are en famille when 
there are but one or two guests. 

Five minutes at least, and not more than fifteen, is 
the usual time that ought to be spent in the parlor or 
drawing-room previous to dinner, to allow for intro- 
ductions^ should there be new arrivals, or guests from 
the neighborhood. 

Evening toilettes, more or less ceremonious, are de 
rigueur. Men must be in full dress, but the women 
may wear what are called demi-toilettes, provided 
there are no invited guests for dinner, and the number 
of visitors is so small that it may not be considered a 
house-party. Of course, circumstances regulate the 
proprieties or fitness of a woman's costume for the 
evening, but a man's is fixed for him. He cannot be 
annoyed by the perplexities that trouble women's 
souls regarding these things. 

This matter is mentioned here, or rather it is re- 
peated, because if invited guests shift the hours of 
their arrivals from necessity, or for their own conven- 
ience, it is essential that they time their coming so as 



RECEPTION OF GUESTS IN THE COUNTRY, 45 

to provide for making a toilette before dinner, eti- 
quette in attire having become one of the tests of 
good manners. 

Of course, circumstances may occur when dressing 
for dinner is impossible, and the host may beg his 
guest to forget it, and also his fellow-visitors, but 
since a fitting appearance is due to entertainers, as 
much as to self-respect, only an inevitable hindrance 
makes a lack of it pardonable. Usually women visit- 
ors arriving too late to dress for dinner appropriately, 
beg to be excused, and have dinner sent to their 
rooms. When there are other guests, especially if 
they are strangers, a considerate hostess makes this 
absence from a first dinner as tolerable as she can to 
her belated visitor. In appreciation of this kindness, 
the guest usually attires herself for evening, and comes 
down in time for tea and coffee in the drawing-room 
after dinner is over. 

It is fine breeding not to mention the lateness of a 
new guest's arrival. Of course, if the belated guests 
have the characteristic of promptness, and their inop- 
portune arrivals were due to an inevitable want of 
proper conveyance, in justice to themselves, and in 
recognition of a host's right to expect compliance with 
appointments mentioned in invitations, the cause of 
their failure to appear at the expected moment is briefly 
mentioned, and not dilated upon. Nothing is more tire- 
some to strangers than personal details that are impor- 
tant only in the mind of the one to whom they relate. 



46 GOOD FORM, 

Introductions are made by host or hostess to all 
present when a guest arrives after dinner in the draw- 
ing-room, because they may be comrades for an ex- 
tended time. If others have been present at the 
dinner, also, they are introduced because they were 
invited to m.eet the entire party, and not any par- 
ticular member of it. This is an embarrassing for- 
mality sometimes, when guests are not of the social 
world, or if only lately. However, this is one of the 
penalties of being in what is called society, or, as 
usually happens, one of its pleasures, because it com- 
pels an entertainer to make them central figures, for at 
least a little while. 

If a belated guest does not appear until morning, 
introductions are as general, but curiously enough, 
whether it is the absence of ceremonious attire, or 
simply the difference between merry morning and se- 
date evening, the process is much less grandly formal, 
and far more agreeable to those \<\\o are not ambi- 
tious of social distinctions. 

The most charming of all visits is made singly in 
the country, either by a man or womian. There is a 
special fascination in receiving and being received 
with a cordiality that is undivided, and a sincerity 
that means personal friendliness, and not an aggre- 
gated social function. A guest \vho is to be the sole 
visitor is always met by a member of the host's family, 
and he or she enters the real household at once. In 
this way one makes acquaintances wdth the children 



RECEPTION OF GUESTS IN THE COUNTRY. 47 

and friends immediately, and becomes familiar at once 
with all the interests of a country home ; also all the 
sweet and simple delights that such a visit imphes. If 
not an invalid, or in need of special repose, the break- 
fast hour, that sweetest of all the day, is spent with the 
entire family. 



ENTERTAINMENTS FOR GUESTS IN TOWN. 

When an invitation reads, for example. " Come on 
Monday, the 8th of December, for ten days, and have 
a quiet time with us — just us," and adds ^' An after- 
noon train arrives from your place at 3 : 30," a sincere 
hostess means what she has wTitten. If she finds her 
guest is in a mood for amusement — and most guests 
are — her preferences are delicately consulted, so that 
she may not feel that she is requesting, much less 
dictating, pleasures that may not be equally acceptable 
to the one entertained. It is pleasant to gratify the 
tastes of guests, and it is a dull hostess who cannot 
find out what these are without direct questionings. 

Nothing is more vulgar than to discuss, in their 
presence, the cost of diversions that guests are to 
share ; nor is a refined visitor inquisitive about this, or 
indeed about anything that is not openly discussed in 
a household, because surprises for a visitor are some- 
times the pleasure of an entertainer. When she 
diverts guests in that manner she must be very sure of 

48 



ENTERTAINMENTS FOR GUESTS IN TOWN 49 

them, also of herself, and failures to give and receive 
pleasure are imminent. 

It is safest to proffer amusements and outings, rather 
than to urge them. To provide an atmosphere of 
sunny freedom is the finest and best of all hospitali- 
ties, when entertaining, and especially when there are 
but one or two guests. 

At house-parties there must be one who controls 
and leads and who plans and executes, of course, with 
the enthusiastic co-operation of guests ; but when a 
hostess has only a special friend, or perhaps two or 
three friends, she may give dinners, luncheons, an 
afternoon or evening reception, go upon excursions 
with her guests, or take them to see whatever is 
worthy of their attention or within the compass of 
their interests, tastes or sympathies. 

It is quite as much the duty of a guest to enter 
heartily into the purposes of a hostess as it is the 
hostess' dutiful satisfaction to confer pleasure. Any 
inadvertence of a hostess who may have many cares 
besides that of being an entertainer, should be passed 
unnoticed, and always is by her fine-fibred, considerate 
visitors, while the religion of hospitality requires that 
a hostess be not too exacting in a matter of moods on 
the part of her guests. 

Temperament is the friend or enemy of individuals, 
and it should be taken into consideration by those 
wdio are thrown together. 

Observant persons are convinced that we are to be 



50 GOOD FORM, 

more pitied or envied for our temperaments than for 
any ill or good fortunes. Neither hosts nor guests 
can be too much impressed by this physiological fact, 
because it too often happens that the most admiring of 
friends really do not know each other until they have 
passed days together, since when meeting at other 
times, all have been in their best spirits. The other 
side of a sweet disposition, the dissatisfied and dark 
side, may never have been suspected. Doubtless 
owing to this human variation of spirits was coined the 
proverb that ^* To really know anybody we must 
summer and winter Vv^ith them." 

The same kind of entertainments are provided for 
house-parties that are given to a smaller number of 
guests, but more of them are crowded into the same 
time. Dinners, luncheons, germans, and less formal 
dances, musicals, little house plays, for which a 
skeleton of events is filled out with impromptu conver- 
sations and dramatic actions, etc., etc., with sufficient 
intervals for a proper amount of recuperation, are 
arranged for youthful parties. All these things are 
put in train before the arrivals of guests, who, as a 
rule, assemble within a day or two of each other and 
at the same date when it is possible. 

Of course, all the guests that are available are 
asked to take parts in whatever amusements are pro- 
posed, and no matter how distasteful a character may 
be, guests are compelled by good-breeding to assume 
the one the host assigns to them. It is said, and 



ENTERTAINMENTS FOR GUESTS IN TOWN 5 1 

doubtless it is true, that the least alluring character in 
a play as it is read, may by study be made the most 
artistic one in a little drama. Even Bottom, with an 
ass's head, in *' Midsummer-Night's Dream," has made 
himself now and then a iirst star in the comedy. 

With consciousness of a guest's latent talent or 
aptitudes, directors in little house diversions may 
assign undesired parts to certain guests who are un- 
aware of their own abilities in such lines. Those who 
are captious about the parts assigned them, as a rule, 
testify to their vanity or their incapacity. 



ENTERTAINMENTS FOR GUESTS IN THE 
COUNTRY. 

Out-of-door amusements at country houses must 
necessarily depend very largely upon their geographi- 
cal situation. 

Under roofs amusements resemble each other, no 
matter where they are provided. The most essential 
differences there are between diversions arranged for 
guests in one house and another, or between one 
season and another in the country, depend upon the 
number of guests. A large party may do what a 
small one does ; but a small one is limited by its size 
to certain diversions. It is a foregone conclusion that 
hosts who invite large parties have the m.eans at 
command for amusing them in an acceptable manner, 
indoois and out, of course provided their guests are 
able to co-operate in their schemes. 

For single guests, or for two or three, there are 
drives and rides through lanes and woods, midday 
walks in shady places, Vvdiere luncheon may await 

52 



ENTER TAINMENTS IN THE CO UNTR Y , 53 

them amid rocks, as if provided by the Brownies ; calls 
upon country neighbors, who are all charmed by such 
invasions, provide tea, etc., and perhaps display in- 
teresting houses and gardens, after which they may 
find dinner awaiting them while the sun is vanishing, 
set out upon veranda tables, or in the house, and feel 
a sweet and rare remoteness from all the cark and care 
and the grinding fatigues of city living. The closing 
of a fair day, as Keats has it, when ^' The sun lays his 
chin on the green wood weary, with all his poppies 
gathered round him,'' is a dream, but it is a dream 
of realities that makes life worth living. 

These are but a few of the simple and satisfying 
pleasures which the " sole and only,'' or a pair of 
guests, may enjoy at a country house with genial 
hosts. Of course, the evening has music, fine conver- 
sations, reading aloud, story-telling, cards, and per- 
haps a wood fire, if the weather be damp, or there is 
any other justification for the delightful companionship 
of a blaze upon hospitable hearths. 

Of course neighbors and near-by friends are in- 
vited to make acquaintance with a guest or guests, at 
dinner or breakfast ; the latter being one of the 
most delightful of gatherings at a country house. 
Curds and cream, fresh fruits and field flowers pro- 
vide an ideal morning banquet that lingers in a city 
dweller's memory among other poetic recollections 
when costly banquets are all forgotten. 

Those who are invited to meet a neiohbor's o:uests 



54 GOOD FORM, 

return the courtesy by entertaining them in turn. 
This is etiquette that is based upon the Golden Rule, 
since permanent dwellers amid beautiful simplicities 
have no comprehension of the charm their surround" 
ings have for city folk — who for the most part of their 
lives are sandwiched in between bricks — unless they 
learn to appreciate these delights by contrast, when 
they make return visits to a crowded town. 

For companies large enough to be called house-par- 
ties, there are rides and drives, guests sometimes being 
invited to bring their own horses and grooms when 
distance is not a formidable objection to this arrange- 
ment, and stables of hosts are ample. There may be 
picnics or surprise luncheons in picturesque places ; 
dances, private theatricals, musicals, bah poudres^ 
or fancy dress parties, to which outsiders may be 
invited ; dinners of ceremony with guests from other 
houses ; luncheons, formal and informal, the first 
only when others than the house-party are present, 
and the latter a movable feast, which is eaten as 
each one chooses, from twelve-thirty o'clock to two- 
thirty; tennis, billiards, racket, bowling; also boating 
and sailing; and, at proper seasons, shooting, hunting 
and fishing, the last-mentioned diversions depending 
upon the location of the house. Except shooting, 
none of these diversions belong exclusively to men, 
some women being experts in each. 

Programmes for in-door and out-of-door amuse- 
ments are made out in advance, those outside being 



ENTERTAINMENTS IN THE COUNTRY. 55 

subject to the weather, but those in-door are inalter- 
able as to date ; therefore, the guests are expected to 
be in readiness to fill their parts or to carry out their 
plans duly and promptly. Chaperones and elderly 
persons are invited to take active parts in amusements, 
but it is no offence if they decline, while, except in 
case of indisposition, no young persons may refuse to 
do whatever is asked of them by their entertainers. 
They may perhaps be consulted regarding a part they 
can have in a pla}^, but as a rule they are not, because 
a freedom to select would too often overturn what 
might have been a charming success. 

If a character in a performance is not equal to what 
they believe to be their metier^ guests can prove their 
right to a better one by doing well that assigned them. 
The usual objection made to a soubrette part in a 
play, is *' I shall look horrid. '' 

Very w^ell, look horrid. The contrast when re- 
stored to the ordinary appearance will be more impres- 
sive than before. The " Audrey '^ of Shakespeare has 
not infrequently been the fascination of a performance. 

To be late at rehearsals, to object to a manager's 
arrangements, or for a manager to be unwilling an 
actor should do original work with an old character 
that is hedged around with traditions, is a serious mis- 
take ; indeed it is bad form, especially as it is for 
amusement, and not to make fame or fortune, that a 
play is enacted at a house-party in the country. 

At a hal poudre^ costumes may be simple or elegant, 



56 GOOD FORM. 

historic or original, but as the name of the amusement 
sii2:2:ests, thev are usually historic : the hair beino; 
powdered white, gold, copper or silver, but oftenest it 
is white. 

A host cannot be too careful when mounting his 
guests, if he does not know their skill in the saddle, or 
whether rough roads are familiar to them ; also if they 
know how to treat an animal wisely, and knowing how, 
will do it. 

At large house-parties the hostess, and sometimes 
the host, does not appear at breakfast. The for- 
mer may have children widi whom she chooses to 
F^Dend a part of each day, and the host may have his 
estate, his •'correspondence,'" etc., etc., to look after. 
In such cases an unchaperoned girl vrho is under the 
especial care of the hostess, asks that her breakfast be 
sent to her room — if she is properly conventional. If 
in her heart she is rebellious against her limitations, 
all the same she remains away from the party during 
her hostess's absence, because she respects the ofSce, 
and perhaps the sentiments of her hostess, and will 
not add to her cares, as an entertainer. With the 
young girUs acquiescence a hostess may transfer her 
duty to a woman guest that has sufficient age and 
dignity to fill the position of chaperone during the 
early part of the day, and badly-bred and indelicate 
is the young vroman guest who is not deferential to 
her delegated care taker. 

It is customary at many house -parties, where there 



ENTER TA INMENTS IN THE CO UNTR Y. 5 7 

is one young girl guest under the special protection of 
the hostess, for her to attend to the flowers for the 
table, and elsewhere. This occupation, except there 
is an excursion to which she may or may not go, 
according as she wills, and according to what older 
woman there is in the outgoing party, occupies much 
of her morning most agreeably. She and the gardener 
are in consultation, and they arrange charming 
schemes of color or fragrance, which is properly appre- 
ciated, and duly admired. Even though there is a 
person employed to adorn the house daily with flowers, 
the young lady who assumes this care is likely to pro- 
duce effects that are less formal and more charming 
than a florist can, unless he is an artist in his occupation. 

A hostess always appears at luncheon if possible, 
and this is a merry meeting for everybody. It is 
always a substantial meal, with cold meats, one or two 
vegetables, bread, butter, fruit and melons, also 
chocolate and tea. Wine is seldom given at luncheon, 
but sparkling or still waters, in two or more qualities, 
are always provided. 

The latest magazines, and most recent books and 
games are among the entertainer's gratifying assistants 
in making hospitality gracious, eloquent and easy. 
They allow her a leisure that nothing else can, or does, 
because if she is absent from her guests, and she has 
not furnished them with diversions in the way of 
books, papers, new music, etc., she is apt to be 
worried lest they are suffering ennui. 



58 GOOD FORM, 

However many and capable her servants may be, 
making time pass agreeably with her guests when 
there are no active or special diversions in progress, is 
a duty for w^hich others are useless. She can- 
not transfer the ofhce of entertainer to anybody. 

To let them alone a part of every day is usually a 
kindness to them, but there are guests and guests, and 
some of them are exceedingly difficurt to amuse, these 
usually believing that constant diversions are their 
due. 

Of course this sort of visitor is always considered a 
duty guest, and is invited v/ith that dreary thought in 
mind. If hosts could enter a fam.ily wdth invitations, 
v/ith liberty to take and to leave whomsoever they 
chose, their house-parties might be an unadulterated 
pleasure ; but unhappily they cannot. It is fortunate 
for families that are glad to make their difficult mem- 
ber even tolerably contented that they cannot. There 
is, as a rule, neither sufficient pity for, nor enough 
effort made to give pleasure to those who are miserable 
by nature, and who do not know how to be happy or 
glad about anything for more than an hour at a 
time. 

This sort of guest is, perhaps, the most dissatisfying 
element in plans for entertaining either large or small 
parties. 

Alas, that the arid plains of life should be too 
largely populated with persons born with discontent as 
their special and unavoidable inheritance ! It is use- 



ENTERTAINMENTS IN THE COUNTRY. 59 

less to insist that they might improve their tempera- 
ments if they wished, since they were not endowed 
with a desire to be other than they are. 

The popular house visitor is he or she who rec- 
ognizes this fellow-guest's misfortune, and tries to 
make it as tolerable as possible for them, also for 
their hosts. 

The question was asked one day of one of the most 
delightful of entertainers how she happened to invite 
so disagreeable a visitor, and she replied sweetly but 
gravely, " Because nobody else seemed willing to, and 
the poor soul has always herself to be miserable with." 

Excessive expenditures for the table at country 
parties is as vulgar as it is everywhere. It never con- 
vinces anybody that hosts who are inordinately lavish 
were bred to abundance. 

Those who feel contempt for a reasonable frugality, 
also for a generosity that is conscious of a to-morrow, 
in money matters, are those who have not possessed it 
long enough to give it its proper place in their respect. 
Hosts who are hospitable in the most acceptable and 
beautiful ways, were, as a rule, born to fortunes, and 
know how to expend them. The newly rich who are 
able to be properly reserved in their generosities, 
especially at their tables in the country — yes, and in 
town also — must have a genius for it. 

There may be cases of atavism, but to whatever, or 
whoever such hosts owe it, they are fortunate to know 
by instinct how to draw a fixed line between gener- 



00 GOOD FORM. 

osity and lavishness, and to maintain it gracefully 
and graciously. 

. Extravagant outlays of money, or a continuous 
devotion to the entertainment of many people, never 
delude those v/ho benefit by these, nor gain their 
respect. A world vhose regard is worth winning, long 
ago determined that nne breeding in giving and 
receiving hospitality, was expressed by a proportionate 
diversion between time, money and family seclusion. 



LEAVE-TAKING AND DEPARTURES IN 
TOWN. 

To overstay a time mentioned in an invitation is 
bad manners. To remain longer than the host at 
first requested must be as an especial and unmistak- 
able favor to an entertainer, and never to suit the 
convenience or a desire on the part of a guest. 

Nor is it good form in a host to press for an exten- 
sion of the time first accepted. Even the most grati- 
fying of visits are pleasanter to remember when 
terminated reluctantly by visitors and visited. The 
most desirable of guests usually have pre-arranged dis- 
posals of their leisure, and it would be unpleasant to 
be urged to add to an allotted time, should a hostess 
so far forget herself as to beg for it. 

Indeed it is a species of egotism that urges visitors 
to remain when they have planned to take leave. It 
is the same characteristic that allows persons to say 
of others, " They are anxious that I should visit 
them," as if anxiety was possible in such a matter. 

6i 



62 GOOD FORM. 

Perhaps they selected an unconsidered word, but it 
sounds pompous to those who use a language properly. 

A hostess, if she be a perfect entertainer, is sure to 
say she is sorry a visit has terminated, and she adds a 
hope for another when it can be arranged. Some- 
times, as we said earlier, parties are arranged a year 
from date, but unless the same group is desired, the 
invitation is given in private. 

Most guests never permit a disarrangement of 
familv orderliness when takinoj leave of their hosts, 
however much the latter may press them to have an 
early breakfast, luncheon or dinner. All trains and 
steamers provide food for travellers, and to put a host 
to the least inconvenience is unpardonably bad form. 
Indeed most hosts have already fallen into a custom 
made easy by the recent luxuries of travelling, of giving 
themselves or their servants no care for the appetite of 
outgoing guests, unless they are aged, or are invalids. 
For the latter kind of guests, all of the old-fashioned 
impulses of tender, nourishing attentions are keenly 
alive, and practically follov^ed. 

¥/hen a man is to depart early in the morning from a 
town house, he takes leave of his entertainers the 
night before, and a cup of coffee or tea, and a wafer, 
are taken to his room in the morning by a servant to 
whom has been assigned the duty of wakening him at 
the proper moment. Sometimes a very considerate, 
energetic young man prefers to spend the night at 
a hotel after making adieus with his hostess, and 



LEA VE- TAKING IN TO WN 63 

doubtless this custom will become a usage, as it very 
properly should. His luggage, except that in his 
hands, may always be sent to a city station the night 
before, and properly checked to its destination. 

The same is true of a woman's belongings, if she is 
compelled to make an early morning departure, and they 
cannot be taken upon a carriage that conveys her to a 
train or steamer. Of course with a woman guest who 
has no attendant of her own, a servant is sent to see to 
her luggage, if it has not been checked the night 
before, and at departures at any time of the day, the 
same goes to carry her light parcels and to deposit 
them with her when she has taken her place for her 
journey. Whether it is late or early in the day that a 
departing guest leaves her host's residence, it is not a 
rigid custom that compels any member of the family 
to see her off. If it is a sad leave-taking, neither 
those who go or those who stay are willing to risk dis- 
playing emotion before strangers, therefore sentiment 
combines with the luxury and safety of travelling to 
eliminate the old habit of accompanying — sometimes 
by whole families and groups of families — an outgoing 
friend at a pier or station. 

When a woman, youthful or elderly, is to make a 
journey alone, and it is to continue several hours, or 
days, it is a kindly and usual custom to send a few 
dainty refreshments with her. These are packed in 
little boxes or baskets, with napkins, that are kept for 
the purpose of exchanges in travelling hospitalities. 



64 GOOD FORM. 

Not that good food is not procurable on trains and 
boats, but a hostess's thoughtful ness makes hers more 
agreeable than any which can be purchased, and it 
takes the place of the old-fashioned floral good-by. 
Sometimes a bouquet is tied to the luncheon case, but 
it is small and significant, and not the former monster 
which suggested that its bearer was on her way to a 
horticultural fair as a competitor. 

Our later form of '' speeding the parting guest,'** 
appears to have reached perfection. At least its 
improved methods are in accord with our advanced 
facilities for travel and for being hospitable. Dis- 
tances made partings and greetings of vital impor- 
tance but a little while ago, but miles have ceased to 
make separations, and the sadness, and joy, also the 
dignity, of coming and going, has fallen away from 
among our sensibilities. For this reason among 
others, our ceremonies with incoming and outgoing 
visitors have changed, and very properly. Our pres- 
ent formalities, or perhaps, our informalities, compare 
with our former customs very much as do our social 
usages with those of an Oriental. 



LEAVE-TAKING AND DEPARTURES IN THE 
COUNTRY. 

In the country, as in town, visitors who are familiar 
with the best social usages and practice them, never 
overstay the time for which they were invited, nor do 
hosts who are equally well acquainted with the best 
customs, urge them to extend their stay. This is due 
to no lack of hospitality, or cordiality, but because it is 
unkind to disarrange the carefully considered plans of 
either guest or host. A delicate entertainer claims to 
be the one who is obliged by the visit of a friend, and 
therefore it would be selfish to beg for more of her 
guest's company. 

A more practical reason for concluding a visit at the 
allotted time, is, that hosts may have planned for the 
arrival of another group of guests, or have engage- 
ments for themselves. 

It is unpleasant to be urged against one's own de- 
sires ; hence, and for reasons already mentioned and 
for others, a visit must conclude under all ordinary 

65 



66 GOOD FORM, 

conditions as the invitation for it arranged that it 
should. 

Unless it is an unavoidable necessity, guests do not 
depart by very early morning trains. Considerateness 
for a host and his servants at a country house make 
such departures in bad form. All avoidable disar- 
rangements of a host's customs are bad form. 

Under one pretext or another guests should remain 
until it is a convenient hour in the day for their host to 
get them to a station, even though this postponement 
of their departure inconveniences them, a fact which is 
usually known to their entertainer. Of course, a host 
with the true spirit of hospitality desires to make the 
close of a visit even more charming than its commence- 
ment, and he is sure to plan to do it, but the thorough- 
bred man and wom^an refuses to allow^ a household to 
be disarranged w^hen a little personal sacrifice might 
prevent it. 

If guests cannot avoid going away from their enter- 
tainers before the usual time for breakfast, leave-tak- 
ing, and all proper courtesies are completed the night 
before, and coffee or tea is taken to their rooms by a 
servant who has been ordered to waken them at the 
proper time, and see that they are comfortably sped on 
their way. Usually their luggage is taken down the 
night before, that no one may be disturbed too early in 
the day. 

Ordinary invitations for a house-party are made to 
allov/ a part of the guests to arrive and depart at one 



LEAVE-TAKING IN THE COUNTRY. 67 

hour, and part at another, or upon successive days, 
when distances to trains are far, or the number to go is 
large. Guests are informed when their luggage will be 
required for the van or wagon. Even when there are 
not more than one or two visitors, luggage usually pre- 
cedes carriages, dog-carts or station wagons, and a 
trusty man looks after it properly, and sees that it is 
properly checked and placed upon trains, thus sparing 
guests all care. This is a part of a perfect hospitality 
that the Americans as a rule, find more difficulty, in 
view of their temperament, to accept than the host does 
to bestow. Americans usually want to be sure, by their 
own attention, that their belongings are safely sped; 
but as the host and his attendants have thus far cared 
properly for them, they must submit. As a people, 
by and by we shall become accustomed to feeling 
wholly secure, while still in the hands of our hosts. 

A woman bereaved of her gowns and things, and a 
society man who is tender of his decorative possessions, 
are apt to turn anxious glances at their checks as they 
receive them from the servants of another, and very 
naturally ; but they must not appear as if they doubted 
his discretion, or they may wound the pride of a delight- 
ful host, who has meant to be perfect in his methods 
for receiving and speeding his guests. 

Sometimes a host drives to the station himself in a 
cart with one of his guests, but this is not an essential 
of modern hospitality. He sees that they are comforta- 
bly off from his house, in good season for their trains, 



68 GOOD FORM. 

or other modes of travel, and then his part of an enter- 
tainment is completed. If he attends them still farther, 
his presence is due to friendship, courtesy, and regret 
at the loss of their company. 

Except when there is but one guest a hostess seldom, 
if ever, goes to the train with visitors. Even with one, 
it is not a conformity with social requirements. She 
may go with guests, and so may her daughters, but it is 
not expected of them. 



MUTUAL OBLIGATIONS OF GUESTS AND 
SERVANTS. 

To properly trained domestics is assigned much of 
the responsibility of caring for guests. To this they 
are trained, or at least are instructed by their em- 
ployers. Their duties to visitors are clearly explained 
to them when they are engaged. They are to do 
whatever a guest desires of them when possible, and 
guests familiar with the duties of properly educated ser- 
vants are not the ones likely to exact too much service. 

As this little chapter is not written in the interest of 
a host's domestics, visitors who have not been in 
well-ordered houses, and therefore are not acquainted 
with the usual entertainer's customs, may be glad to 
know what to do, when for the first time they are 
guests for an extended but definite time, in a house 
that is thoroughly appointed with domestics. 

Very soon after her arrival, the hostess may inform 
a woman guest that a maid is at her service at such 
and such times, (usually mentioning the hours before 

69 



70 GOOD FORM. 

breakfast and before dinner,) to assist her in dressing, 
etc., and she explains perhaps that the same is her 
own, or her daughter's maid, or perhaps is maid for so 
and so of her other guests, if there are several visitors 
in the house. Sometimes it is the maid who offers 
her service to a guest, having been directed to do this 
by her mistress. She explains definitely what time 
she can give, and inquires what is likely to be wanted 
of her ; also how the guest likes her bath to be 
made ready in the morning, and whether she desires 
coffee, etc., before dressing, etc., etc. 

Many American women prefer to care for them- 
selves, except looking after the bath, and morning cup. 

A guest is very inconsiderate, and consequently illy 
served, if she is not ready to be attended to at the 
exact time which was offered as hers. If the maid 
assigned to her for a fixed space of time can give her 
no other hour, she must care for herself, because she 
can make no complaint to her hostess, nor can she be 
impatient with the maid, nor indeed with any servant 
in the house, since in accepting its hospitality, she has 
also accepted whatever her entertainer has provided for 
her comfort, including service that maybe good or bad. 

If a guest has her own maid, she is careful that 
this person spends her time, except by permission, in 
her mistress's own room, so that idling and gossip are 
not spread as a contagion among other servants in 
the house, whose duties may, or should be, more time- 
consuming and exacting. 



OBLIGATIONS OF GUESTS AND SERVANTS, J I 

Whether or not the maid is her own, for example's 
sake, provided her self-respect does not go so far as to 
influence her relations with servants, she asks them no 
questions about persons or things in the house, 
except perhaps to inquire about an invalid if there is 
one in the house. Should there be any lack of ser- 
vice in the house that is in the line of her own maid's 
aptitudes, while they are guests, she promptly offers 
her as an aid or substitute. 

At less sumptuous, or perhaps only less formal and 
simpler houses, guests are happy, not only in taking 
all care of themselves, but they gladly take part with 
their hostess in anything she is doing that is within 
the limit of their attainments. 

A well-educated American is as apt in serving 
others, as she is accomplished in the art of being 
elegantly served. 

It is to this gift, talent, or characteristic, that she 
owes her adaptability to every condition of fortune, 
and to all varieties of giving and receiving hospitality. 
The maid of yesterday may be a mistress to-morrow ; 
therefore, if for no other reason, although there is 
a higher one for her methods and manners with servants, 
a well-bred woman is always kind, considerate, and even 
polite to her own and to another's when they are 
assigned to her while a guest. Requests and not com- 
mands are given to them always. Politeness between 
mistress and maid is nowhere so fine and general as 
in France, and nowhere is service so agreeable. 



T2 GOOD FORM. 

When leaving, it is not only customary, but it is 
just, except when requested not to, to present a fee to 
a maid who has personally served — also to a maid of 
the chambers. In England every domestic who has 
directly or indirectly performed a service, even the 
lightest and most casual, expects to be remembered ; 
but in America, only those who have been of real use 
are ordinarily given a fee : such as the person who 
carries and brings letters, and the man who takes care 
of the luggage ; usually the groom and coachman 
are remembered, and sometimes a fee is sent to the 
cook. 

These regulations apply especially to establishments 
where house-parties are entertained, which form of 
hospitality naturally creates exacting and continuous 
work for servants in all capacities. At houses where 
one, or at most, two guests are entertained at a time, 
the maid who is especially attentive to a guest, and 
perhaps a serving man, is given a fee when leaving, and 
this sum is in proportion to the extra amount of work 
a guest has caused him. 

In England fees are about the same all round, 
except that the butler and groom get a double sum ; 
but we have not reached that unwise usage, and 
many entertainers have determined that we shall not. 
There are hosts who ask as a favor to them, that their 
guests do not tip their servants, claiming that their 
wages have been made ample to prevent gifts from 
visitors. 



LETTERS OF THANKS TO ENTERTAINERS. 

It is extremely discourteous to those who have enter- 
tained us to delay longer than a day after reaching 
home, or the house of another host, before writing let- 
ters of thanks for a hospitality that must be 
pronounced delightful. If guests have a happy dis- 
position, or even if they are just, they can always find 
some agreeable recollections among the various experi- 
ences during any visit, and these may be, and ought 
to be, remembered while writing this letter. Those 
that are less charming should be forgotten. No mat- 
ter whether the visit, in the mind of the visitor, has 
been an unmixed pleasure, or a somewhat diluted joy, 
the motive for the invitation must be held as a cour- 
tesy and friendliness ; therefore there must be prompt 
expressions of gratification in its remembrance. 

Guests owe themselves thus much witness of grati- 
tude, even if in the silence of their minds they regret 
having accepted the invitation, and have little or no 
satisfaction in recalling the time of their stay. It is 
for an intention that they must feel kindly, and for an 
effort to be entertaining, that they can truthfully pro- 
fess to be pleased and thankful. 

The graces of language are equal to this duty, and 
it cannot be evaded. 

73 



RECOGNITIONS OF HOSPITALITY. 

It is a common error of many persons to hold that 
because they cannot be as lavish or generous in return 
as those who invite them for extended visits propose 
to be, they are in honor, or perhaps delicacy, bound 
to decline such hospitalities. 

Another mistake made by morbidly sensitive per- 
sons, is in suspecting that they are being patronized — 
whatever that may mean in their minds, when they 
are invited to visit at houses that are finer, larger or 
richer than their own, and they refuse, sometimes 
ungraciously. 

It is one of the pleasantest of compensations to 
many persons with large wealth, who feel the burden 
of its care or custody, that they are able to have agree- 
able people under their roofs, and can give them 
pleasures that have been denied them by limited 
purses. In return, besides this satisfaction, they hope 
to receive much delight from minds, that, because 
they are not oppressed with Vv^ealth, have leisure to 

74 



RECOGNITIONS OF HOSPITALITY, 75 

become rich in thought, and can foster their gifts in 
art, music, literature and anecdote. If accomplished 
people decline hospitalities that they cannot return in 
kind, and are sulky, or otherwise disagreeable to those 
who may be unfortunate in being rich, they are not 
noble or generous. 

The kindly or noble minded Croesus does not want 
returns in kind. He craves something his purse is 
incapable of bringing to him, and thus he depends for 
his best pleasures upon the graciousness of his gifted 
friends, or friends who are light at heart, and whose 
currents of interest run in other channels than his own, 
and such guests delight and refresh him. 

A single man may send a book that is too lately 
issued not to be a novelty to his late hostess, and a 
woman who is not so placed in life that she may invite 
a late host to partake of hospitalities, may present a 
bit of her own handiwork, or give some rare trifle that 
has more interest than monied value in it to one who 
has entertained her; but even these recognitions of a 
much enjoyed hospitality are not obligatory and not 
matters of etiquette. Good Form has never meddled 
with them, but sometimes little gifts serve to soothe 
minds or hearts that feel gratitude to be a burden, and 
are unsatisfied with such expression of pleasure as they 
were able to formulate when writing their letter of 
thankful appreciation for delightful hospitalities. 

Of course, when one who has been entertained is 
able to entertain in return, social life becomes a 



^6 GOOD FORM. 

debtor and creditor affair that must, sooner or later, 
be balanced. This is only justice to the entertainers 
and their guests, and self-respect establishes a give and 
return order in society ; but, of course, only if circum- 
stances are equal or nearly equal. 

Not that a host who is a debtor should imitate his 
late entertainer in the grade or cost of a returned hos- 
pitality, but he should and can maintain the beautiful 
spirit of the Orientals, to whom sharing bread and salt 
is a sacred compact. The heart of this sentiment has 
never been dead, or even cold, in America, though the 
difficulties of establishing our civilization might have 
smothered it in a less kindly nation. For several cen- 
turies the entertaining of a guest was almost always a 
matter of duty, in which there was little or no flavor of 
personal pleasure or a consciousness of etiquette, but 
the law of kindliness was in it, and gave it sweetness 
and dignity. 



GOOD FORM SERIES. 

I. CARDS. 

Their significance and proper uses. 
By the author of " Social Etiquette of New York." 
'' The ?nost useful and sensible little volume on card etiquette that 
has as yet made its appear ancey— Woman' s Cycle, 

2. DINNERS. 

Ceremonious and Unceremonious, with the Modern Methods of 
Serving them. 

By the author of '* Social Etiquette of New York." 

A work of the greatest possible value to all who give dinners, 
whether formal or informal. 

" A little volume noticeable for a just appreciation of the Art of 
dinner giving" a?tdfor sound common sense regarding the proprieties 
thereofv^ — The New York Sun. 

3. MANNERS, GOOD AND BAD. 

By the author of " Social Etiquette of New York," *V Cards, their 
Significance and Correct Uses," etc. 

This little book contains a wealth of useful hints as to what people 
ought to avoid in social life. Full of suggestive information for even 
the best bred people. 

4. LETTER WRITING, ITS ETHICS AND 
ETIQUETTE. 

By the Rev. Arthur Wentworth Eaton. 

An especially valuable book, because in no respect do customs 
change more than in the methods of conducting social and business 
correspondence. A complete and thorough treatise upon the subject 
by an entirely competent authority. 

S- WEDDINGS. 

By the author of *' Good Form Cards," *' Dinners," etc. 

Full of valuable information as to the formalities of weddings, 
and the best methods of making them attractive and picturesque. 

Each I vol., i6mo, cloth, with neat stamping in gold. Price, each, 
75 cents. 



FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY, 

PuhlisherSy 

]SIK^?^^ YORK. 



